Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

First Guy: “When I’m down in the dumps, I buy a new suit.” Second Guy: “Oh, I always wondered where you get those.”

There. With that old joke out of the way, we can examine this “creation” which was just presented at a Paris fashion show. There are several possible explanations:

• It’s designed for guys to wear to strip-poker games, so it will take them a long time to have to expose anything, you know, important.
• It’s designed for those really ritzy swanky restaurants, the ones with signs saying “Multiple Jackets Required.”
• This model thought Nicolas Sarkozy would lose the French elections, and made a very, very foolish wager.

Most Canadians would fail own citizenship test

Most Canadians know so little about their own country that they would flunk the basic test that new immigrants are required to take before becoming citizens, according to a poll released on Friday.

The Ipsos-Reid survey showed that 60 percent of Canadians would fail the test. A similar poll done in 1997 showed a failure rate of 45 percent.

"Canadians appear to be losing knowledge when it comes to the most basic questions about Canadian history, politics, culture and geography ... (they) performed abysmally on some questions," the firm said in a statement.

Only 4 percent knew the three requirements a citizen had to meet to be able to vote while only a third could correctly identify the number of provinces and territories. Just 8 percent knew that Queen Elizabeth II is the head of state.

The survey was carried out for the Dominion Institute, which aims to boost knowledge of Canadian history and values. It said all high school students should have to pass a special citizenship exam before they can graduate.

"It is frankly disheartening to see the lack of progress made by our group and the countless other organizations working

to improve civic literary of Canadians over the last 10 years," said institute co-founder Rudyard Griffiths.

The Ipsos-Reid survey of 1,005 adults was conducted between

June 5 and 7 and is considered to be accurate to within 3.1 percentage points, 19 times out of 20.

When I say ‘Go!’ slap my arse as hard as you can with your machete!”

Random sentences from a prologue to a never to be finished story about a squirrel

1.  “Make no sudden movements, and for Christ’s sake, no loud noises…”
2. “Shut up, you imbecile!” his wife said in a ferocious tone. He knew from experience that words uttered in that manner could easily escalate to physical violence, so he bit his tongue.
3. “You are going to get your pecker bitten off…”, his wife muttered through clenched teeth. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring Little Bubba in to this.”
4. “Look at those teeth…” his wife whimpered, slowly turning her head, “Big Bubba, do something!”
5. “Honey, when I say ‘Go!’ slap my arse as hard as you can with your machete!”

 

Celebrities that would look sexier as “Cabbage Patch Kids”

1. Calista Flockhart.
2. Winona Ryder.
3. Lindsay Lohan.
4. Lara Flynn Boyle.
5. The Olsen Twins.

 

Many people who believe that they can tap dance are completely delusional.

 

Painful truths


1. The more often you play twister, the greater the likelihood that you
will eventually have a diarrhea related mishap.

2. If you drink until you get your fill, there’s still that one beer in the
fridge that would have been perfect, had it actually still been there when you
finally go for it.

3. Many people who believe that they can tap dance are completely delusional.

4. When you are going on a date where nothing should go wrong, you will either
end up with a huge zit, a whole in your sock or end up holding back excessive
gas.

5. The more hair gel you put in your hair, the more it will end up raining

 

 

 

Price of machetes drops after elections

The price of machetes has halved in parts of Nigeria since the end of general elections in April because demand from thugs sponsored by politicians has subsided, the state-owned News Agency of Nigeria reported.

NAN surveyed prices in the northeastern state of Gombe and found that a good quality machete was now selling for 400 naira ($3) compared with 800 naira before the elections, which were marred by politically motivated violence in many states. "A price survey on machetes, which served as a popular weapon among political thugs in the state, indicated ... a drop in the price of the implement," NAN reported over the weekend. Machetes are primarily used as a tool for farming in Nigeria but they are also popular among political gangsters.

"Before the conduct of the general elections, I was selling a minimum of seven machetes daily but can hardly sell one a day now," said Usman Masi, a trader quoted by NAN. Africa's most populous country returned to civilian rule in 1999 after three decades of almost continuous army rule but violence remains a feature of politics, especially during the build-up to elections.

European election monitors estimated that at least 200 people were killed in politically motivated violence during months of campaigning ahead of the April polls

Oh... more things that make me laugh!

The New Age diet

1. Never eat anything that start with a vowel.
2. Blue food products should only be eaten after sunset.
3. You can eat all you want of everything that rhymes with “hexlaxar”.
4. Only free-range chickens that have choked on crystals are safe to eat.
5. Anything regurgitated by a virgin is always good to eat.

Curious George children’s book scripts that never made it to print

1. Curious George plays with fire — “He learns why hairy-assed monkeys shouldn’t light their farts on fire.”
2. Curious George finds a new home — “He runs away from home and moves into what he believes to be an abandoned microwave oven.”
3. Curious George is a bad monkey — “He gets high on PCP and breaks into a hardware store to play with circular saws.”
4. Curious George at the church — “He drinks a quart of tequila — passes out — and rolls off the church roof onto a fence post on the ground below.”
5. Curious George plays dare — “He sneaks in to a kennel for pitbulls and kicks an 85-pounder in the nuts.”

Today is Canada Day – Fun family games we play in this country

1. Beating Paris Hilton Piñatas with beer bottles.
2. Pin the moustache on Tom Selleck.
3. Eating hamburgers like David Hasselhoff.
4. Fast apple bobbing like porn star Jenna Jameson.
5. Tequila shooting and projectile vomiting like Lindsay Lohan.

Possibly related items to check out:

1. Reasons to hate Switzerland as a Canadian
2. (New today) Canadian words of wisdom
3. 2010 Vancouver and Whistler Olympics and how Canada will win more gold medals