J.C. Penney's

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking.

I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

And there's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes. The clothes are fantastic. Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15. Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day

Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun. In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

As does your search for chest hair. And this -- Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. Fuck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?

I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric." Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:

Man, that's sexy.

dead man lies

A dead man lies at the scene of a bomb explosion in Rawalpindi October 30, 2007. A suicide attack killed at least seven people, including the bomber, less than a kilometre from Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf's army headquarters in Rawalpindi on Tuesday, police said. REUTERS/Mian Khursheed

"Singing for China's Communist Party"

People's Liberation Army soldiers (PLA) perform as they attend a singing competition "Singing for China's Communist Party" in Chengdu, capital of southwest China's Sichuan province October 30, 2007.

protest against the killing of dolphins

U.S. actress Hayden Panettiere (C) of the television program "Heroes" watches as a Japanese police officer holds up an activist's passport to be photographed near the site of a protest against the killing of dolphins, in Taiji, October 27, 2007. Some 30 activists, including Panettiere, Australian actress Isabel Lucas and professional surfers formed a floating circle on surf boards offshore near the coastal village of Taiji, where thousands of dolphins are slaughtered at a cove in Taiji every year. Picture taken October 27, 2007

High Heel Drag Race

Participants run in the annual High Heel Drag Race at Dupont Circle in Washington October 30, 2007. The event features drag queens parading in costume before racing down 17th street in the Dupont Circle neighborhood each year on the Tuesday before Halloween

Poland's prime minister

A banner of Poland's prime minister and leader of PiS (Law and Justice) Jaroslaw Kaczynski is taken down from a building in the centre of Warsaw October 30, 2007. Kaczynski is resigning on November 5 after losing a parliamentary election, allowing centre-right opposition leader Donald Tusk to succeed him.