"Honey, the hyenas are on the sofa again!”

Photos of a guy named Hassan Shwaykani, playing with his pet hyenas at his home. The pictures show him and his wife lovingly enjoying the hyenas. But while the captions do say he is a hunter of dangerous animals, they don’t say how the decision to keep them indoors instead of in an outdoor “hyena house” seems to be working out. For instance, how many other Mrs. Shwaykanis have there been? Do the hyenas mind being hit on the snout with a rolled-up magazine when they misbehave? Are any of Shwaykani’s limbs artificial? And does the word “stay” mean the same thing to hyenas that it does to my dogs, which is to say, nothing at all?

Out of umbrellas? Use cocktail daggers!

I read somewhere that there is a shortage of officers in the Russian Navy. Why might that be? Well, this actual photo from a recent military school graduation in Vladivostok might help explain the problem. These guys are celebrating by drinking champagne from a bowl festooned with daggers. This raises the question of who didn’t graduate, if these dudes are the cream of the crop? It also makes the question of whether you want your drink shaken or stirred seem kind of trivial, by comparison.

Dude! Is there ANYTHING you wouldn’t wear?

Confidential security memo to Fashion Week staff: Please be very alert this week. We believe an ex-employee may try to sabotage our show by dressing male models in incredibly lame outfits. Ties and vests with no shirt, improvised shiny skirts on trouserless guys, silly sunglasses. Who knows how far this madman will go? We presume most models would refuse to wear such “creations” in the name of human dignity, but it’s just possible a few may fail to question even the most farcical ensembles. We hope our many gruntled staffers won’t let a lone disgruntled renegade spoil the spectacle.

Sir, would you like to check your uh, uh…

Among the creations shown at Milan’s Fashion Week was this bold version of the traditional… okay, will someone please finish my sentence, because I don’t have a clue what this is. I mean, don’t you either need sleeves, or you don’t need them? How can you just need one? Is it for some freakish weather pattern where your left side is cold but your right side is warm? Is it for guys who work in toll booths and fast-food windows and just expose one arm? And by the way. No normal coathanger will hold it, which means you need to carry a special one with you. In the late night chill, when all the other guys have nice jackets, it’s just you, your uni-sleeve, and your own little hanger… But hey, at least you’re fashionable.

First Look: Benicio Del Toro is The Wolf Man?

It looks like Benicio Del Toro might be forgoing the computer generated effects for his next role in The Wolf Man. TMZ caught Del Toro driving somewhere in Beverly Hills (where else?). Mark Romanek’s (One Hour Photo) remake of the 1941 horror film features Lawrence Talbot as an American man who returns to his ancestral homeland, only to be bitten, and subsequently cursed by, a werewolf. Anthony Hopkins also stars. Production begins in December. Scary.

Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

First Guy: “When I’m down in the dumps, I buy a new suit.” Second Guy: “Oh, I always wondered where you get those.”

There. With that old joke out of the way, we can examine this “creation” which was just presented at a Paris fashion show. There are several possible explanations:

• It’s designed for guys to wear to strip-poker games, so it will take them a long time to have to expose anything, you know, important.
• It’s designed for those really ritzy swanky restaurants, the ones with signs saying “Multiple Jackets Required.”
• This model thought Nicolas Sarkozy would lose the French elections, and made a very, very foolish wager.

Most Canadians would fail own citizenship test

Most Canadians know so little about their own country that they would flunk the basic test that new immigrants are required to take before becoming citizens, according to a poll released on Friday.

The Ipsos-Reid survey showed that 60 percent of Canadians would fail the test. A similar poll done in 1997 showed a failure rate of 45 percent.

"Canadians appear to be losing knowledge when it comes to the most basic questions about Canadian history, politics, culture and geography ... (they) performed abysmally on some questions," the firm said in a statement.

Only 4 percent knew the three requirements a citizen had to meet to be able to vote while only a third could correctly identify the number of provinces and territories. Just 8 percent knew that Queen Elizabeth II is the head of state.

The survey was carried out for the Dominion Institute, which aims to boost knowledge of Canadian history and values. It said all high school students should have to pass a special citizenship exam before they can graduate.

"It is frankly disheartening to see the lack of progress made by our group and the countless other organizations working

to improve civic literary of Canadians over the last 10 years," said institute co-founder Rudyard Griffiths.

The Ipsos-Reid survey of 1,005 adults was conducted between

June 5 and 7 and is considered to be accurate to within 3.1 percentage points, 19 times out of 20.

When I say ‘Go!’ slap my arse as hard as you can with your machete!”

Random sentences from a prologue to a never to be finished story about a squirrel

1.  “Make no sudden movements, and for Christ’s sake, no loud noises…”
2. “Shut up, you imbecile!” his wife said in a ferocious tone. He knew from experience that words uttered in that manner could easily escalate to physical violence, so he bit his tongue.
3. “You are going to get your pecker bitten off…”, his wife muttered through clenched teeth. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring Little Bubba in to this.”
4. “Look at those teeth…” his wife whimpered, slowly turning her head, “Big Bubba, do something!”
5. “Honey, when I say ‘Go!’ slap my arse as hard as you can with your machete!”

 

Celebrities that would look sexier as “Cabbage Patch Kids”

1. Calista Flockhart.
2. Winona Ryder.
3. Lindsay Lohan.
4. Lara Flynn Boyle.
5. The Olsen Twins.

 

Many people who believe that they can tap dance are completely delusional.

 

Painful truths


1. The more often you play twister, the greater the likelihood that you
will eventually have a diarrhea related mishap.

2. If you drink until you get your fill, there’s still that one beer in the
fridge that would have been perfect, had it actually still been there when you
finally go for it.

3. Many people who believe that they can tap dance are completely delusional.

4. When you are going on a date where nothing should go wrong, you will either
end up with a huge zit, a whole in your sock or end up holding back excessive
gas.

5. The more hair gel you put in your hair, the more it will end up raining

 

 

 

Price of machetes drops after elections

The price of machetes has halved in parts of Nigeria since the end of general elections in April because demand from thugs sponsored by politicians has subsided, the state-owned News Agency of Nigeria reported.

NAN surveyed prices in the northeastern state of Gombe and found that a good quality machete was now selling for 400 naira ($3) compared with 800 naira before the elections, which were marred by politically motivated violence in many states. "A price survey on machetes, which served as a popular weapon among political thugs in the state, indicated ... a drop in the price of the implement," NAN reported over the weekend. Machetes are primarily used as a tool for farming in Nigeria but they are also popular among political gangsters.

"Before the conduct of the general elections, I was selling a minimum of seven machetes daily but can hardly sell one a day now," said Usman Masi, a trader quoted by NAN. Africa's most populous country returned to civilian rule in 1999 after three decades of almost continuous army rule but violence remains a feature of politics, especially during the build-up to elections.

European election monitors estimated that at least 200 people were killed in politically motivated violence during months of campaigning ahead of the April polls

Oh... more things that make me laugh!

The New Age diet

1. Never eat anything that start with a vowel.
2. Blue food products should only be eaten after sunset.
3. You can eat all you want of everything that rhymes with “hexlaxar”.
4. Only free-range chickens that have choked on crystals are safe to eat.
5. Anything regurgitated by a virgin is always good to eat.

Curious George children’s book scripts that never made it to print

1. Curious George plays with fire — “He learns why hairy-assed monkeys shouldn’t light their farts on fire.”
2. Curious George finds a new home — “He runs away from home and moves into what he believes to be an abandoned microwave oven.”
3. Curious George is a bad monkey — “He gets high on PCP and breaks into a hardware store to play with circular saws.”
4. Curious George at the church — “He drinks a quart of tequila — passes out — and rolls off the church roof onto a fence post on the ground below.”
5. Curious George plays dare — “He sneaks in to a kennel for pitbulls and kicks an 85-pounder in the nuts.”

Today is Canada Day – Fun family games we play in this country

1. Beating Paris Hilton Piñatas with beer bottles.
2. Pin the moustache on Tom Selleck.
3. Eating hamburgers like David Hasselhoff.
4. Fast apple bobbing like porn star Jenna Jameson.
5. Tequila shooting and projectile vomiting like Lindsay Lohan.

Possibly related items to check out:

1. Reasons to hate Switzerland as a Canadian
2. (New today) Canadian words of wisdom
3. 2010 Vancouver and Whistler Olympics and how Canada will win more gold medals